hope_tattoo

i've got some serious cash to earn!
i'm going on a road trip out east next week out east and i am so broke! so i've put some stuff up on ebay so have a look and help me out, ok? please...

my ebay.

i have been having some serious mood swings lately.
and i don't know why... i don't have pms.
it's annoying and makes me feel like a huge bitch.
and thats not a good feeling, in this case.

also, while the acupuncture does seem to be working on my depression, but i'm still really fatigued. i'm hoping it just has to do with the meds i'm still taking. i've been really good about going to bed earlier, but i just can't get up! i looove to sleep, lol. hopefully it will pass so i can be like a real person soon, haha.

...thats the name of the song. it's by tori amos.
here's me:

FUCK...
just fuck. thats all...

here's a video i made the other day.

i've been crying for an hour.
i've been on edge and bitchy all day..

i want to be settled here... i want to feel like this is home again.
i don't want to feel like this is a step backwards... or a failure. but i do.
i want life to be easy. i want to love myself.
i want someone to love me, and i want a boyfriend. a real one.
i don't want to keep disrespecting myself. i don't want to have to go get tested because i was drunk and let him fuck me with out a condom. i want to believe him when he says he's clean.
i want to be respected. i want to respect myself.
i want this emo to go away.

i'm back in indiana now...
...with a myriad of feelings.

just in time for the race too, lol.

look... i even changed my location in my profile.
SIGH.

me = emo
but i am excited to get everything set up and stuff. i really want to put posters on the walls, lol. then it'll feel like me again. or something... so, dear self. please stop being emo and get your shit together. mmmmkay!? mmmkay.

i literally cried over spilled milk. i knocked over my chocolate milk and just started bawling.
i felt ridiculous. but it was obviously not about the milk.
i couldn't stop crying... i was such a mess that my parents actually told me to go lay down for a while.
i woke up with a migraine this morning and crying made it worse. it was one of the ones that is so bad it makes me nauseous. so i took some imitrex [my migraine medicine] and am finally feeling a bit better, physically anyhow.

when i was laying down i heard my mom say to my dad... 'i think she's really freaking out.'
so they get it. my parents rule.
and when i was packing later my dad came up to me and kissed me on the forehead and said 'just do the best you can.' and that made me feel a million times better.

so needless to say i'm a bit emo again today. but feeling better than i was...
thank you all for your super sweet and understand comments on my last blog.
you guys are all so awesome.

i have posted these elsewhere... and decided i would start posting there here too. so here is my first video blog, from late february... ;)



ps- i am still alive! i know i haven't posted in forever but here i am. i always come back, lol.

i am so discontent right now. i had one of those moments in the car on the way home tonight where i just think way to much. and i got all upset.. about things, and people, and mostly myself. everything in my life is so up in the air right now and it makes me so uneasy and agitated and most of all *unhappy*. i just really do suck at life. i mean, 2006 was a total bust. i did much nothing worth while. and now i feel like i'm not worth while. i need to drink a few glasses bottles of wine and start the new year off with a buzzed blur so i can't remember what a failure i am and how much i suck and how no one loves me. [lol, gosh i am so pathetic. and really good at pity parties.]