hope_tattoo

first of all, EIGHTH is a funny word to spell out. there can't be a lot of words with a "HTH" combo, can there? i can't think of any, but i'm sure i'll google it later.

secondly, i am tired and have been ill so this will hopefully be short.

i'm thinking my diet is making me sick. that's all i can figure anyhow. i'm going to be transitioning off of the medifast soon... and hopefully properly so i don't gain the weight back.

my friend amber is rad. she is giving me and my bff from ohio, jennifer, tickets to NO DOUBT for friday! her bf already had gotten tickets and she won some on the radio, so i am STOKED! jennifer is coming to visit YAY! amber also won lunch with PARAMORE which we will hopefully also be attending! WOOT.

now i just need to get well, lol. i called off my nannying job for tomorrow so i can rest up and feel better.

toothpastefordinner.com

omg. yesterday was so fun, despite a little friend drama which is to be expected from this certain friend. it sucks that it's always an ordeal with her, but it is. she's just different now. she's so ignorant and racist now when she never used to be before she was married. it's annoying and pisses me off as my bf is black. it's also super retarded because she used to date a black guy, and a hispanic guy. i just want to slap her.

anyhow.... rania's baby is getting so big! he's almost 3 months now and so cute. it makes me want a baby of my own... *sigh*

despite the drama, i love hanging out with my girls. rania and kimmie are just plain good peeps. i know they will be there for me no matter what and that's i good feeling. i definitely don't get to hang out with them enough! especially kimmie since she lives across the country now, lol. i am thinking about going out to visit her for my fall break... i hope it works out!

ps- i totally didnt stay on my diet yesterday. i was a BAD girl!

really tired. this will probably be brief...

went to the symphony on the prairie tonight with kimmie and her parents. it was awesome. so much fun. i even got teary eyed at one point. i feel much more proud to be an American with Barack Obama in office. maybe that's silly, but it's true.

i had an acupuncture appointment and a chiropractic appointment today. i probably would have been really chill accept we had to rush to get to the symphony in time. it wrecked my chill-ness. haha

ok... must go take care of the cats.

i'm pooped. i need to be leaving to cat sit for the weekend and haven't packed anything. i think i'll just take PJ's and a tooth brush, lol.

my bff Kimmie is coming home from Colorado tonight!!! really late tonight, but i'm STOKED to see her tomorrow! i have a way busy day tomorrow but she is going to come by my work at the end on my shift and we're going to do a little shopping. YAY! (very little on my part as i am starting to pay rent this month and i'd love to get my LB card paid off.)

ok... off to the kitties and lala land.

So... i haven't written here in almost 2 years it seems. i sorta got away from blogging here because i blog elsewhere now. lots of elsewheres actually, lol.

anyhow... here's the gist. i'm saving up to move out... again. i have a wonderful boyfriend who thinks i'm beautiful even when i don't. his name is sam and i love him dearly. i have 2 cats, 3 if you count my parents cat who used to be my cat but forgot who i was when i went away to college. expect pictures. i love all things girly.. nail polish, makeup, hair stuff, shopping.. expect pictures. i have 3 jobs this summer, 2 nannying jobs and part time at lane bryant. in the fall i will start my second year of teaching preschool. i loooove my job at school. (nannying is getting old. or at least i don't love it this week, but i am PMSing.) i am honest. i don't know another way to be. possibly a default as i suck at lying.

i love chronicling my life, be it here, other blogs, or videos. i make youtube videos. i love youtube and i'm probably addicted. i am in the process of losing a large amount of weight and i make a youtube video about it every week. expect videos. i've lost 54.8lbs to date. i may blog about that too... it's a very mental process for me. much more mental than i expected. diet, of course. exercise, sure. but wow, i am my own worst enemy some days. i love to look back and see where from and how far i've come.

i have a large team of medical professionals helping me be my best and find myself, as cheesy as that sounds. i see a mental health specialist (i guess she's my therapist but she's got a social working degree rather than a psychology degree so i don't know what to call her), chiropractors, and an acupuncturist. i was severely depressed for many years and now medication free after at least 10 years on several different antidepressants at once. i did it! i love life and can say i am truly happy most of the time.

but there is still a lot of work to be done... and i am looking forward to living every minute of it.

here's my latest manicure:

i've got some serious cash to earn!
i'm going on a road trip out east next week out east and i am so broke! so i've put some stuff up on ebay so have a look and help me out, ok? please...

my ebay.

i have been having some serious mood swings lately.
and i don't know why... i don't have pms.
it's annoying and makes me feel like a huge bitch.
and thats not a good feeling, in this case.

also, while the acupuncture does seem to be working on my depression, but i'm still really fatigued. i'm hoping it just has to do with the meds i'm still taking. i've been really good about going to bed earlier, but i just can't get up! i looove to sleep, lol. hopefully it will pass so i can be like a real person soon, haha.

...thats the name of the song. it's by tori amos.
here's me:

FUCK...
just fuck. thats all...

here's a video i made the other day.

i've been crying for an hour.
i've been on edge and bitchy all day..

i want to be settled here... i want to feel like this is home again.
i don't want to feel like this is a step backwards... or a failure. but i do.
i want life to be easy. i want to love myself.
i want someone to love me, and i want a boyfriend. a real one.
i don't want to keep disrespecting myself. i don't want to have to go get tested because i was drunk and let him fuck me with out a condom. i want to believe him when he says he's clean.
i want to be respected. i want to respect myself.
i want this emo to go away.

i'm back in indiana now...
...with a myriad of feelings.

just in time for the race too, lol.

look... i even changed my location in my profile.
SIGH.

me = emo
but i am excited to get everything set up and stuff. i really want to put posters on the walls, lol. then it'll feel like me again. or something... so, dear self. please stop being emo and get your shit together. mmmmkay!? mmmkay.

i literally cried over spilled milk. i knocked over my chocolate milk and just started bawling.
i felt ridiculous. but it was obviously not about the milk.
i couldn't stop crying... i was such a mess that my parents actually told me to go lay down for a while.
i woke up with a migraine this morning and crying made it worse. it was one of the ones that is so bad it makes me nauseous. so i took some imitrex [my migraine medicine] and am finally feeling a bit better, physically anyhow.

when i was laying down i heard my mom say to my dad... 'i think she's really freaking out.'
so they get it. my parents rule.
and when i was packing later my dad came up to me and kissed me on the forehead and said 'just do the best you can.' and that made me feel a million times better.

so needless to say i'm a bit emo again today. but feeling better than i was...
thank you all for your super sweet and understand comments on my last blog.
you guys are all so awesome.

i have posted these elsewhere... and decided i would start posting there here too. so here is my first video blog, from late february... ;)



ps- i am still alive! i know i haven't posted in forever but here i am. i always come back, lol.